SPYING ON MYSELF

Is there something that your spouse, significant other, family member or friend won’t tell you? What if there was a way to find out? Would you take it?

Look no further that the A& E Network’s new reality show “Spying on Myself”. This clever little show not only validates personal illusions, it also proves that the individual on the show, “the point” is totally insecure or that a previous functional relationship is a sham. These are the two extremes that are generally exploited to make "good" reality television. How? This is done of course in the good old fashion way of using dishonesty and manipulation. I would describe this program as Jerry Springer meets Candid Camera and that is a compliment. They could sink this program into a deeper circle of syndcated hell, but they do have some standards since it is aired on basic cable and fits nicely into a half an hour time slot!

Here is how it works: You have an the "point person" who is unhappy and decides the only way they can get the “mark” to divulge information they have to know is by utilizing costumes, make up, and false pretenses. Accomplices also join in on the con and when it is all put together it is quite an elaborate scheme complete with a control room where producers sit and feed the point person and the accomplices’ lines. Most of the get up or characters created for the point person are pretty sad. Even though your are suppose to empathize with the “point person” you end of feeling bad for the mark every time as they sit there and the expression on their face reads “are you kidding me?” and then have to be faced with the knowledge that they’ve been exposed on national television.

If you don’t place a lot of stock in the sanctity of marriage, respect the bonds of friendship, or don’t encourage one on one communication with loved ones, this might be up your alley. Whether you end up being the point person on this show, with good intentions or not, no one comes out of these scenarios looking good, including me who wasted a half an hour watching it.

In the Line of Fire

Lockdown, the third hour.....Guess what happened?

http://www.lansingstatejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060320/NEWS01/603200352/1150

For those who do not wish you follow the link let me summarize. A cop was shot a few doors down from here this morning and now there is a man hunt going on in the neighborhood. If there wasn't an armed fugitive within a mile of this place, I would be quite annoyed with the helicopter that keeps zooming by my window. Anyway, we are suppose to stay in and lock the doors. A cop is suppose to call or stop in and let us know if we have to leave or if the "lockdown" is over. Needless to say nothing is getting done around the office. Besides the intent surveillance of the police activities outdoors, everyone is taking turns telling war stories...Unfortunately for me I was never in a war.

I don't mean to be a smart ass but I am tempted to ask the officer in our parking lot if I could borrow a kevlar vest for a lunch meeting.

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...

In praise of St. Patrick's Day, thought I'd share a joke as well as a couple old Irish sayings. Hope you all enjoy your green eggs and ham and get your fill of green beer as you spend your day as an honorary Irish person. By the way, if you even think about pinching me, don't. I will hurt you.
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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."

Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels."Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done.""Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
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The truth comes out when the spirit goes in.

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Beagán agus a rá go maith.

Be (e as in echo) gawn og us uh rah go (as in going) mah.

Say little but say it well.

Game On!

March Madness has begun. Why madness?...becasue anything can happen. I'm hoping my bracket doesn't get blown out of the water too soon. I am in an online league with some of my friends and as of 12:10pm today I have been bouncing off the walls. The Boston College game about killed me! Tennessee didn't look as good as I hoped either. Before I go on about every one of my hang ups with yesterday's games, I will let you know that I did in fact keep MSU in it till the sweet sixteen. This is not because I am an alum...well not totally atleast. MSU is a tournament team and have a history of exceeding expectations in the post season. We need Davis to stop looking so confused and get more aggressive, Ager and Brown to sink some buckets and Neitzel to have a good game. Our defensive isn't the greatest, but MSU is a worthy threat in my opinion. Lets hope my predictions pan out tonight, else I owe a friend $20! GO GREEN!!!

Mr President, Have Pity on the Working Man...

Alright woman, but it's a good song either way. It also serves as my theme song as I vigorously figure out how much of my money Uncle Sam is going to pry from my grasp this year. One good thing about Bush's tax cuts is that I get a larger standard deducation, but unfotuneately a raise last fall kicked me up a few tax brackets so really I am not as far ahead of the curve as I would like. Figuring out taxes is a game for me. Every year I seem to find a new deduction that may apply to my situtation. This year is a little tougher though! I'm not putting my calculator yet. There has got to be something else I can claim....I came accross credits for adoption, senior citizens, tuition, yadda yaddah yaddah....Not much out there for this single, white woman with a steady job, good health, no debt and no kids. Bummer!

Demotivation

Sacrifice

Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.

Driving Blind

I'm not refering to a really cold day when you don't want to leave the comfort of you heater to scrape off your wind shield so you employ x-ray vision to see your way down the road. I was perusing the headlines today on MSN and apparently there are schools in the Chicago area that make driver's education a requirement for graduation. This sounds ridiculous because these kid complain about haveing to waste time learning something they are never going to use. Is this a good idea? A class that reminds a blind student of their handicap and is a reminder of how they are different...as if living with a handicap isn't a reminder enough.

I thought this was a good argument even though the defense of "we will never have to use this in real life" has never worked in my case. For example: trigonometry, tredding water for 30 minutes, the metric system.......can you think of any other winners?

Iditarod

Random I know, but I was up in Alaska two years ago and I fell in love with the rich history surrounding this race which runs every March between Anchorage and Nome. Now I check in and get the latest stories from the trail. It's actually pretty interesting if you are into "off the beaten path" kind of sports. For those of you who are lucky enough to get the OLN tv channel, I hear they are airing it this week.

Here is a decent website if you are interested. (www.ultimateiditarod.com)

Fair winds and following seas

Aruba Adventure 2006 is over. I am already missing the white sandy beaches and amazing sunsets, but I have many memories to take with me. Blogger unfortuneately won't accept my pics, so while I'm working on this problem thought I'd atleast quel the rumors. I did return and I that I didn't chuck it all and become a permanent islander. The next question you want to ask me is 'why the heck not?' Highlights from the trip include advancing to a smaller board for wind surfing, seeing an octopus up close and personal thanks to an eager brother-in-law, and getting to dance on the beach with my dad! Good times were had and I'll update more soon!

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

How cold? I am in my office camped out by the radiator trying to thaw out. Luckily, my keyboard has an extra long cord, so I can type from over here. After thunder showers last night I woke up this morning to an icey world. Everything was glazed in crystal and sparkled in the sunlight. It was beautiful. As I stepped out of my apartment building I took in a breath of crisp air and seeing how the parking lot resembled more of an ice rink, I had to channel Michelle Kwan, pre-injury, to make it over to my car. I gave myself a 5.5. Wasn't a perfect effort since I did spill my tea a little but I inadvertantly slid on my last step to the car door which turned out rather graceful.

My car was frozen shut. As I was circling the car fighting each door I looked up to my elderly neighbor's window and she was perched on her chair waving. I bet she was getting quite the chuckle. After multiple trips for hot water (since I spilled a quater of it everytime I had to manage that ice), I finally got it open and started up. As I was driving down 496 (Olds Hwy) I heard a wind noise that didn't make sense when suddenly my passenger-side door flew open. I nearly last my purse and lunch as a gush of cold air wipped in taking me totally off guard. I few people honked at me because maybe they didn't realize my passenger door flew open or something. Luckily I have freakishly long arms and was able to reach accross the seat and hold the door till I could pull off and slam it shut. Whew!

Drove the rest of the way into work paranoid that my other doors were suddenly going to break loose. When I pulled into the parking lot, ironically enough the driver's side door had frozen shut (from all the hot water freezing after I got in) and I had to push it open. Now my left shoulder is killing me! Uhg!

To sum up: Me and Ice are fighting!

A Night with the Grinch

I went to see Seusical the Musical this weekend to see an amusing performance by my cousin as one of the Whos of Whoville, (That's him on the right!) Beside the fact that Aaron made a pretty funny Grinch and I never knew he could sing that low, the show reminded me of my childhood love of the Dr. Seuss stories. As you get older and distance yourself from the old Dr. Seuss books, you forget what simple, important lessons he taught us through satire and humor. For example, "The Lorax" is a parable of the short-sighted exploitation of natural resources. There is also the popular Horton the Elephant, featured in the musical, that trumpeted, "I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant is faithful one hundred percent." and "...a person's a person no matter how small."

So thanks Dr. Seuss for The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Sam I Am, Butter Battle Book, You're Only Old Once, Yertle the Turtle, Cat in the Hat, and all the others. You sparked imagination and creativity in countless number of children through the years. My childhood without his simple rhymes of outlandish names and places in the magical stories is inconceivable.

Here is one of my favorite quotes from Oh, the Places You'll Go!

"You're off to great places! Today is the day!

Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way!"

Lessons from the Grizzly Man

Last weekend I watched the documentary on the Discovery Channel called "Grizzly Man". It documents the thriteen summers Timothy Treadwell spent out living in the Alaskan wildlife preserve with Grizzly Bears up to his death in 2003. I recomend this film for the simple fact that Tredwell managed to capture some spectacular footage of the wildlife in Alaska as well as some great scenic views of Alaska.

The human aspect of this movie, Tredwell, however, appears to be a complicated man. His dynamic alone is a bit of an enigma. I did not doubt his affection for the bears but he at times seems naive. For example in one scene he is sitting beside a dead fox and mourning. He crying about the cruelty of life which suprized me because being an ecologist I would assume he has an understanding it as being nature's way. In an other scenes he gets full of rage as he spews a tirade about the unfairness of the local park service and the pouching problem. His behavior borders on manic at times, but then I wonder who wouldn't be after living in that much solitude of the Grizzly Maze.

This leads me to consider what the "Grizzly Man" has taught me:

1) That which is in nature and is free is meant to be in nature and remain free.

2) If you don't respect nature, it's not going to repect you. And when nature doesn't repect you, it will hunt you down and kill you.

3) Grizzly Bears = 500-1,500 lbs and brains operate on instinct.....I'm not saying they are big and dumb, but naming them, petting them and saying "I love you" over and over again is not going to change the fact that you are looking pretty tasty when there is a drought and a food shortage.

4) When all alone in the Grizzly Maze, even grown men need teddy bears.

5) Would the Crocodile Hunter measure up in the wilds of Alaska?

Perhaps Tredwell's death at the hand or rather the paw of his obsession was inevitable. If anything, he did accomplish his ultimate goal which was to bring about more awareness for these treasures in the Alaska wild.

Grandpa

Lawrence Virgil Varner, my grandfather, died yesterday unexpectedly at the age of seventy-nine. Born in 1926 he has lived to see many changes in our nation including a world war, the rise and fall of Communism, the Great Depression, as well as the technological evolution. He loved farming. My mother often said that he was the most happy when he was out on his land with a tractor and wind in his hair. He was a big man and would tower over me and had such a long stride that I literally had to run in order to keep up with him on walks or when doing chores around the farm. My little legs would always be so relieved to rest when he would stop to feed and pet the dogs.

Once at a family wedding reception Grandpa was whisking my Grandma around the floor to a lively polka, a dance lost on my generation. At the end of the song he noticed me watching from the edge of my chair and came over and asked me if I wanted to try. Being fairly young I was unsure and I asked him if it was hard. He told me no because I'd have a good partner. When I asked him why he thought he was so good, he told me that dancing is how he got Grandma to love him. We started slow and then kicked us off into a break neck pace. As he sang along with the band I remember holding on tight and trying my best to keep up whlie guided by his strong frame.

My Grandfather had strong faith. When we would join them at their church, I liked to sit next to him. I can still hear him belt out the lyrics to "How Great Thou Art" with such conviction that the phrase "then sings my soul" really applies to him in that moment. For him the hymns were an extension of his belief in God. He also enjoyed music. He couldn't play an instrument but would be the first to jump up and hand out song books at my Aunt Joan and Uncle Greg's Christmas Party every year.

He had a quiet dignity about him. At family get-togethers it wasn't unusal to find him in a corner with his camera taking shots or perched up on his chair looking around the crowded room thoughtfully. He loved being around his family and friends. Up until his death he was doing the things he loved and enjoyed his life.

I am missing you Grandpa but am comforted that you are probably up in heaven right now striking up the band.

A Religious Enigma

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?...

What do you mean change!

Every religion has their own joke but in my church this is a reality. My church is failing. The average age there is well beyond 65 and there approximately 40 people who still attend regularly in a sactuary that fits well over 500. I joined a few years ago in hopes to help it improve but now I am torn between my stubborness to stay with my original goal and help make this place into what it could be or to leave and find a place where it won't be so hard to belong and find spiritual fufillment. My pastor called me in for a meeting a few weeks ago and was pleading with me to stick it out. I couldn't tell him I would. My problem is that I've been sticking it out for three years and all of my attempts to bring people in have failed. I'm tired of being a cheerleader and frusterated with the guilt that I could have done more.

This brings me to a question, are churches a thing of the past? Many churches are having simliar issues. They don't serve the purpose they once did (i.e. being the social center of an area for news and whatnot). Most of the ones built today resemble stadiums and event centers. I cannot disagree with the mentality that churches are a place to go on Sunday to put your time in, if there is some entertainment, all the better. There is a shortage out there of charismatic pastors and church leaders - people you want to hear talk, there is the unwillingness of people to change with the times, and there are plenty of judgement by most regardless of what you do. For me, I have had more "spiritual expiriences" outside of the church walls than inside. Is this just my age talking here or do other people agree?

New Poem

A few people have asked if I have written anything lately, and so here is something I've been tinkering with. I don't like to interpret things for others, it takes the fun away from the reader, but for those of you who see this as dark, you can blaim it on the cloudy Michigan weather. I also have a few people in my life that are terminally ill so emotions that involve goodbyes and death come to mind a lot quicker for me lately than anything else when I sit down and write.

Putting to Sea


Away I’ll sail from this shore
And leave my peaceful home
For this life of mine has been lived
And I crave the wavy unknown

I’ll miss those who watch along the docks
They blow kisses and cry for me
Understand not why I climbed aboard
On a boat putting out to sea

The wind fills the sail and the boat is carried off
Far from the shore with haste
I contently smile back to those I love
Before parting in time and space.

I will meet my fate upon these waters
Or perish on foreign shore
I obediently follow the first mate’s lead
My destiny is mine no more

At the edge of earth and heaven I’ll stand
On steady sea-worthy feet
When I finally reach that bold horizon
And there my Captain I’ll meet.

Back in Training

Just six more weeks until I head southward to the Aruba surf. Here are some pics from last year's windsurfing trip. I am missing the sun. Michigan winters are rough!

After feeling a little sore from bowling on Saturday night I decided I got to quit slacking and get moving or else I am going to be in pretty rough shape for this year's excursion. It is a long trip to just beat yourself up on the first day. We do a lot of the other stuff down there but windsurfing takes the most out of your body and you atleast have to have some kind of muscle to keep up.

So for hopeful encouragement to fellow trainees here is a little inspiration:

1. "The first wealth is health" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
2. "Pain is weakness leaving the body."
3. "Every human being is the author of his own health or disease." - Buddha
4. "There are always people who are fatter and skinner than you. The question to ask yourself is what side of that scale do you want to be on."
5. "Training gives us an outlet for surpressed energies created by stress and thus tones the spirit just as exersice conditions the body." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

And now for the couch potatos:

1. "Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now."
2. "On the tredmill of life there are the walkers and there are the joggers...and then there is the guye that owns the tredmill that the walkers and joggers pay."
3. "No pain, no pain."
4. "This is not fat on my bones it's potential (stored) energy."
5. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step or you can just hop on a plane and be there in a couple hours."

The Funniest Thing

Go to this website. Trust me. I was at a party last night and a friend pulled me and my buddy Aaron into the back room to show us this. We were on the floor crying because we were laughing so hard. My stomach muscles still hurt!

4q.cc

"Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind"

What way better to begin the year than to sing this confusing if not contradicting lyric? Should we remember or forget them? Perhaps this is a case by case basis. It is kind of phrased like a question so maybe we should remember what is worth remembering and don't waste time on those you care to forget.

Also, we sing this every year but everyone gives me a puzzled look when I ask them what the phrase "Auld Lang Syne" means. I looked it up and found it is a very old Scottish song from the 1700s that loosely translated mean "for times gone by".

Below are the complete lyrics by Robert Burns 1700 translation from a much older poem in an older Scott dialect with translation:

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And days of auld lang syne?

(Should old acquaintances be forgotten)

(and never remembered)

(Should old acquaintance be forgotten)

(For old long ago)

Chorus:

For auld lang syne, my dear For auld Lang syne,

We'll tak a cup o kindness yet,For auld lang syne!

(For old long ago, my dear)( For old long ago)

(We will take a cup of kindness yet)(For old long ago)

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,

And gie's a hand o thine

And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,

For auld lang sine

(And there is a hand my trust friend)

(And give me a hand of yours)

(And we will take of a good drink/toast)

(For old long ago)

We twa hae run aboot the braes

And pu'd the gowans fine.

We've wandered mony a weary foot,

Sin' auld lang syne.

(we two have run about the hills)

(and pulled the daisies fine)

(but we've wandered many a weary foot)

(since old long ago)

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn

Frae morning sun till dine

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

Sin auld lang syne

(we two have paddled in the stream)

(from morning sun (noon) until dinner-time)

( but seas between us broad have roared)

(since old long ago)

Oh Night Divine

It was Christmas Eve and as been the yearly tradition, we opened up the doors to family and friends who traveled to spend time with loved ones. The candles were lit in the windows, carols were sung beside the piano and violin, favorite foods of the season were laid out and we ate, and the glow from the Christmas tree brought smiles to all faces. Yes it was a year for the books. There may be 'no place like home for the holidays' but every year I like to reflect and be thankful for all who mange to stop by for some Christmas cheer. That "Home" in the quote above is not a place but whoever you are blessed to spend the holiday. I hope you all had somewhere to be on Christmas. It's just not a holiday unless you can share it with people you love.

The beauty of Christmas, that unlike any other holiday, it is easier to get caught up in the Yule and the joy. Is it the memories from our youth that come to mind or is just magic of the season that causes even the serious, stoic sole to manage a smile and give into the merriment of the season? I like to think that the Christmas spirit is contagious. I heard a lot of people say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy New Year" to total strangers during the build up to the holidays and that made me happy though it is unfortunate that people find it hard to share such pleasantries all year long. Perhaps that should be our challenge or resolution for the coming year.

Death of the Rhetorical Question

It wasn't until telling this story to a group of friends the other night at dinner that I thought maybe you might find amusing. The important point I want to make clear is that I am not saying I hate rhetorical questions. When used properly they can further a speakers point and have a real impact. This entry is however talking about the missuse of them and how to go about preventing people from ever using them again.

Last week things around the office were hectic with trying to tie up loose ends before the end of the year hits, so by Friday, my patience was pretty low. The secretary who works in our office was complaining as usual. I like to refer to her as the 'rhetorical queen'. She takes the "poor me" bit to a higher level than anyone I know. After about the fifth time of hearing, "How does he (my boss) expect me to get this done?" I decided to throw her off guard and seriously answer the question by telling her how to exactly do her job. She sat there confused for a second probably wondering how she was going to get her stellar rant in now. The fact that I used the phrase 'outsourcing to the company's main office' might have had something to do with her sudden silence. Ironically enough, everything did get done before 5pm. Who'd of thought? Well besides me.

I got back to my office and had a laugh over it. I think from now on I am going to answer all rhetorical questions if the speaker has a tendency to over use them. I am really enjoying the odd reactions I get from people!